HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (people that play with words, or common phrases) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. -------------------- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. -------------------- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. -------------------- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. -------------------- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. -------------------- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. -------------------- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. -------------------- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. -------------------- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. -------------------- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. -------------------- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. -------------------- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. -------------------- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. -------------------- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. -------------------- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky Ground ------------------- The dead batteries were given out free of charge. -------------------- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. -------------------- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. -------------------- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. -------------------- A will, is a dead giveaway. -------------------- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. -------------------- A backward poet writes inverse. -------------------- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. -------------------- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. -------------------- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. -------------------- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -------------------- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner. -------------------- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. -------------------- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. -------------------- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. -------------------- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -------------------- Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. -------------------- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. -------------------- A calendar's days are numbered. -------------------- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. -------------------- A boiled egg is hard to beat. -------------------- He had a photographic memory which was never developed. -------------------- A plateau is a high form of flattery. -------------------- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. -------------------- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. -------------------- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. ----------------- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.